so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
