No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
