my being single is dangerous.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
