I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
