What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
