Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Green mimosas i think yes
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
