I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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