THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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