Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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