my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Who died my cat blue again?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
