He uses pillows to masturbate.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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