You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
