Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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