Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
