I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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