She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
