She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
