My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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