It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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