i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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