Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
