fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
