it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she smelled like a LAN party
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
