i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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