she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
