Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you would pick up someone in the library
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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