allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
