If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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