You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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