I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
