shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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