You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
