my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
