Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Its about making memories worth repressing
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
