wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
