The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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