i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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