and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
