Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
