So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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