Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
