he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I supernannyed him into submission
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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