I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
