very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
