i just had sex bonerless
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Sober January is a disaster.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
