do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
