I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
