Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
