If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
where are my eyebrows?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
