Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
