I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
