im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I should be sponsored by Trojan
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
