I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
