I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
