Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
